Now that I’ve been approved to return to the farm for 30-90 days to take care of things, I’m cramming on foreclosure, deed-in-lieu, short sales and the like. I’ve researched PMI subrogation as well. It’s enough to make your head spin actually. No one likes to be at this point, no matter how blase we may appear when we discuss it. It’s painful to admit failure, defeat or fiscal lack of planning. I made decisions during a time of crisis, just past the death of my partner, and that was not the most wise time to do things. So I am also trying to learn to forgive myself.
I am really torn. I could use the 30-90 days to look for a job up there and try to salvage the property and my credit history. Previously when I was laid off, the jobs just were not abundant when I was searching. I had no savings. The job that I had in the wings dried up due to closure on their end, but I didn’t get that information until four months into my unemployment. In the last two months before I received my current job offer, nothing was available that would pay the bills within an hours drive. I’ve since reduced some of my expenditures, trading in my nice SUV for a smaller, more affordable car both in payment and fuel. And I’m living without a home phone or internet or television payment because it comes included in the rent of my tiny space here, along with all utilities (electric, water, trash). But still, I could not keep up my place here and the place there. I finally exhausted all of my resources around January of this year. I live now paycheck to paycheck and with this property loss hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles.
The option to rent out my home has come to mind – but being several states away and knowing the local rents, I’d still have a portion of house payment to make, plus paying someone to manage it since I’m not there, which in the end still wouldn’t solve my problems. It might delay them a year or so, if I found a responsible renter. Those can be difficult to find, particularly in an area like that one, where wages are low, jobs are scarce and most new arrivals are there to retire. I was a renter from 2004 -2009 and I always took good care of the places I lived, and left them clean and in good repair. It’s a possibility stretch, but not one I’d feel good about.
There’s the consideration of offering a lease purchase, but I would feel wrong since current appraisals in the area show roughly a 30% loss of value since I bought in 2009. Better than some areas, but not terribly good for a buyer coming in.
So despite soon heading down the back side of fifty, I’m back to square one. Maybe back to square -2. I try to keep a good attitude most hours of the day. I have good health, good kids, a decent job and family nearby, some of whom I get to see nearly every day. Nothing new in the love life department, but I’m okay with that right now – not sure I’d be anything particularly beneficial to someone other than a new face to look at and a wacky sense of humor to try to figure out and I’m not certain that would outweigh the financial drawbacks that I’d bring to the table.
Speaking of health, I have a physical coming up on Monday – the first time I’ve had one since 2001. I’m not big on doctors, and other than a brief stint of food poisoning in 2007 and a short bout of the flu this year, I’ve not been sick so why would I go? Apparently this is really out of step with HR thinking and I got a little notice that if I did not go have a physical and fill out a little form, then they would be increasing my insurance rates next year for non-compliance. Eh, what? Since when did going to the doctor become a requirement of a job?? Granted, they didn’t say they’d let me go, just told me I’d suffer a financial penalty if I didn’t. I’m not obese, I don’t have any known health problems, take no meds…so it’s weird to me. Doctors in my thinking, are people that you visit when you need something fixed that you can’t fix yourself. But I realize this is a non-conforming view. I eat well, I exercise regularly and I have very few bad habits that impact health (Dunkin Donuts, get thee behind me!) So I will comply, for now. But I’m not going to jump on the poking, smashing, prodding bandwagon. Take my blood, take my b/p, tell me I need to lose ten pounds and I’ll be on my merry way. I’m always out of step with the pack anyway, but I’ll see the good Doc and appear to be playing along with the new rules.
Dreams are still running around in my brain of finding a new line of work that brings me satisfaction and gives something to others; of having land to garden on; of maybe finding a partner again one day; of possibly hitting the road and living a gypsy lifestyle of campground attendant. But for now, I get on the hamster wheel and go to work so I can pay off my little bit of debt and edge closer to self-fulfillment.
Life is good, just complex. Baby maters have shown up on my little plants. A new grandson is poised to make a possible early entrance into the world. And butterflies are flitting and flowers are blooming. Pretty good start to the biblical new year. May we all live through it and grow wiser, more compassionate, more kind and more thankful.
“Do not indulge in dreams of having what you have not, but reckon up the chief of the blessings you do possess, and then thankfully remember how you would crave for them if they were not yours.”
Be thankful, smile more, live with awareness.