The new year, birthdays and feeling good in one’s own skin

God’s new year arrived in March along with Pesach and Chag Ha Matzot and the weather here has been unseasonably cool, much to my delight.  Soon enough the a/c will have to run to stem the torrent of humidity that douses us daily down here on the peninsula.  For now, cool brisk mornings and sunny afternoons are a beautiful thing.  Back at the farm in TN, it was snowing last week.  I’ve missed the real winters that I learned to love up there.  But like so many other things, that part of my life is now temporarily over, memories tucked into the recesses of my mind in their protected spaces.  I like to take out memories often enough that they don’t collect dust or fade away.

Not much is going on lately, which is a good thing I suppose.  My birthday came and went and brought warmth and loving feelings as my daughters did small things to make me feel important and valued.  Friends took me out or had me over.  I had laughter and hugs, cocktails and giggles, and all in all it was a great start to my fifty-first year.  My sunflowers lasted over a week, with their smiling yellow faces and fuzzy centers.  I am in cozy mode lately, wanting to make tea or coffee and wrap up in a throw, reading a good book.  Nothing serious lately, goodness knows there is enough of that in the news.  I’ve made soups and stews, warming spiced greens and rice, and other simple foods with hearty flavors.  Soon it will be too hot here for foods of that heaviness, then salads and fruits will  be my main fare again.

I survived my physical and came out with all good news.  Blood pressure great, cholesterol fine, triglycerides good,  liver appears to be working well,  no diabetes lurking around the corner, and other than a minor lack of Vitamin D3, the scores place me in excellent health.  Meanwhile, back at the ‘health assessment’ land of insurance, they frown on my lack of involvement with medical care by penalizing me for refusing to have tests that are irrelevant at this point for me, or my choice to allow my body to be exposed to flu in order to build my own resistance instead of lining up for vaccination.   I’ve always been a medical renegade, but it appears with this new health care sca…errr plan, the control over my own body may become the new war zone.  I even discussed with my doctor why I felt those tests were unnecessary and received no flack from him at all for rejecting them.   It was alarming though, to see what the costs were of this little foray into the medical world.  For one wellness visit and some blood work, the “costs” were over a thousand dollars!!  Now that’s not what the insurance company negotiated on my behalf (per the claims paperwork).  It leaves me scratching my head in puzzlement, the shenanigans going on within that little piece of paper called ‘explanation of benefits’.  Reminds me a lot of how the banking world works as well, come to think of it.  Just another corporate shell game that we all have to join together and chip in to pay for.

The time for leaving for Tennessee is flying past quickly.  It’s still up in the air as to whether my mom will accompany me or not; one day she is, the next day she isn’t.  While the getting along part might be difficult, the extra hands would be a huge benefit to the effort to pack and get things sold/gone.  But I’ll make it one way or the other 🙂

Over at one of my online hangouts, lots of discussions have been flying about over what is a real man or woman, what are men or women looking for, how to meet people, etc.  It seems this arena has become terribly complex since I was last sparring in it!  I feel that pull once in a while; the desire to have what I once had yet again.  I miss private jokes, looks across the room that require no words, snuggling up next to someone on the couch to watch a scary movie and knowing I can cover my eyes and he’ll tell me what happens and someone to add value to my already pretty good life.  Yet, I also love my solitude.  I revel in my independence.   I like taking care of myself.  The big question remains in my mind – Can there be a good relationship that both honors my needs and his, yet provides the connectivity that couplehood embodies?  Am I emotionally mature enough to express my needs while honoring a partner?  Have I reached a point where I can ask for what I want in a kind and honest way?  I’m not clingy, I don’t need to be under someone’s feet to feel connected to them.  I don’t need a lot of attention, although when I need it, I NEED it 🙂  Someone doing something for me that is important to me provides more value and comfort to me than material things.  Today, I feel confident that somewhere out there, there is a man who will value those same things and that eventually we will meet.  Until then, I feel no pressure to run out and turn over stones to find him.  Besides, if he lives under a rock, that could be problematic in and off itself (grin)

Perfect Quote of the Day

Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.
Paul Tillich

Give thanks for quiet, for time for reflection, for the ability to hear your own thoughts and confront them – clean house if you have to.  But at least listen to those thoughts before casting them aside as unworthy.

Be well, adjust the fit of your skin, for only you alone can wear it well.


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