I am a gambler, the one who takes risks. After all, what is life if you don’t reach for what you want? If you cannot deviate from the plan, you may miss the meaning of life entirely.
So, I went all in. I’m actually a fairly decent poker player. I’m not much into games, never having mastered the ‘bluff’. If I want something, I go for it. Sometimes you win, sometimes you errr, crash and burn.
Sara Bareilles has a song that addresses speaking up about things – Brave. Perfect timing 🙂
It’s strange when something makes you come alive, makes you want – want things you thought that maybe you’d never want again, when silly romanticism once again bounces around in your brain, takes on meaning and puts a smile on your face. The momentum from that realization can send you like a slingshot into territory that you’d forgotten that you knew. It makes you behave rashly. And I’m all about rashness 🙂 I spend a great deal of my life working on balance; you know, the things you are expected to do, the grown up that you are supposed to be. But damn, sometimes you just have to grab for the ring.
Losing something that you thought you would have forever, that death-till-you-part thing makes you intense. It gives you the realization that tomorrow may never come, so if there is something that you want, you should go for it. I never was good at games of the heart; never quite mastered the coy and mysterious thing. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. Fairly simple I thought. Most people aren’t used to that. It can backfire on you though. A sure thing for a man isn’t really much of a chase. And everyone knows that a man loves the chase, never mind what is really at the end of that.
Yes, I come with some baggage; you don’t get to my age without it unless you’ve lived in a cave in a remote canyon somewhere with no other human contact. But I come with a lot more positives than negatives. When I give, I give all. Anything worth doing deserves that, even if it takes me a while to get up the nerve. And it may end up hurting. I’ve lived through worse pain already though.
Someone asked me if I was hurt that the plan was more important than me. Actually, no. The reason? If I ever entrust myself to him, I know that I will be more than safe. No shiny thing, no momentary feeling will deter him. I will be just as safe as the plan. I need that kind of security, in order to trust. Besides, we both cannot be as wacky as I am! Someone needs to hold my feet to the ground.
Finding someone who has similar lifestyle goals is difficult when your skin feels better in the country, near the dirt. Finding someone who can make you laugh, and make you think, is even more difficult. Right as I started into the dating world nearly a year ago, a man asked me what I was looking for in a partner, so I made a list of what I’d like. He is a young kid, and when he read my list he laughed and told me good luck; that it reflected a life well lived, but in his opinion it wasn’t very realistic. I still keep it, to remind myself of the things that I value when the other things might distract me. So far, it has kept me on course; most people I meet simply don’t have those traits inherent in them so it doesn’t take much to walk away from a bad fit in short order.
A writer summed up neatly how I feel about finding the right person:
“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”
Lisa Kleypas, Blue-eyed Devil
I will let you know if I should change my name to “Busted Flush” 🙂 Until then, I’ll keep right on smiling.
Be well. Be open. Take a chance. You never know until you actually try.