Returning to upright

I lived through another death anniversary, number four. This year was more difficult for some reason, perhaps because potential came into my life once again over the past year. Things that make you muse on the future often require a revisit to the past, some poking around, some thought. Of course, also, when you make room for something new there has to be space in which it can grow and flourish. For whatever reason, this year was tough. I withdrew from friends and family. I read a lot. I cried some. And there were several friends that gave me just what I wanted during that time period – to you who know who you are, thank you once again for your respect and support of me. It was a long funk this year and I didn’t care for it. In fact, I’m not sure that I am out of it yet. I’d like to think that I am, but those that know me better have challenged me on that. They have also offered kind and caring advice on how to get past this overwhelmed, over-tired feeling. I’m a pretty tough cookie, but the last few years have tested my mettle more than once or twice. It is still being tested now.

The heat this year is really annoying. I am tired of walking outside into a blast furnace dripping with humidity. I became accustomed to moderate temperatures leaning towards cool, with some very hot and very cold days thrown in for good measure. Heat just makes me want to languish and do nothing, while the cool invigorates me.

I’ve discovered that I need to learn a bit more self-defense and reservation in areas. It is a hard balance to strike, to be open and receptive yet hang on to that which is personal and relates to self-preservation. For a long time I had a partner that ran interference for me, who stood between me and that which might hurt me. I’m still off kilter from that loss. Still rather limping along, having fits and starts, enjoying my freedom but longing for that partnership feeling of growing towards mutual goals. It is a confusing time for me really. Life seems like it was simpler a year ago in so many ways.

My job is taking up a lot of time and mental energy. Family matters of health and aging parents have taken a forefront right after the job. Things that bring me pleasure, writing, photography, reading – have taken a back burner to trying to figure out life and where I fit into it. My social calendar picked up with friends and I’ve gotten out more. I remember why I like to be a homebody, lol! I need the time to think and process things really.

I’ve learned a lot about what motivates me, what blinds me to truths, where the chinks in my newly-developing armor are. Everything that I’ve learned doesn’t make me happy, but a lot of things do. I yam who I yam, so to speak. The same traits that make me open and loving also leave me vulnerable and subject to hurt. I need to learn how to find a better balance and step-off of that ‘all in’ mentality methinks. Learn to hang back and just ‘be’. I will continue to develop friendships, but I am not sure that I am sufficiently toughened up to seek anything more than that at this time.

In the interim, fall is approaching and a break from the heat should allow me more outdoor time in the near future. I’ve explored ground-burrowing wasps, huge butterflies, the fruiting of the beauty berry and the rise of a sleek ahinga from the nearby preservation ponds. Fall and winter are the times for fallow ground, for rest, for introspection and preparation for the turn of the new year. This year has sped by so quickly and October is here already. I am ready for the return to moderate temperatures and the taste of crispness in the morning air as I trundle off to work. That part is still a couple of months away down here in the south. But already there is a lessening of the heat blanket that smothers and makes it difficult to get excited about anything out of doors.

Be well, stay strong, heal thyself.

~SE

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