Good grief! I think my tail could stick to the stool in front of my computer, perhaps grow there, due to the plethora of information on the Internet. If you have a dream, or are like me, oodles of them, there is a website, a blog, a photo history, of just about anything that you can imagine. When you add in the amazing amount of knowledge posted on YouTube, forums of interest, personal interactions, well, it is simply nearly an inexhaustible supply of the stuff that dreams are made of. I am at once thankful for this abundance, and also, overwhelmed by it all. You never know if the information you are reading is accurate, so tracking that down can add to the burden. What is anecdotal success for one person might never work for you, where you are, and within your skill sets. And some things just require professional guidance, if not indeed, a professional doing the work for you. But it surely is fun!
Waiting is difficult for me; I admit it fully and without shame. Impulsive is my middle name. I am working on it, truly I am. I know that often it does not serve me well. It causes me to fall down, delays the getting up and moving forward again, it sometimes costs me important things – people, funds, time, heartache. Working a plan is often so stressful for me. I want to do things NOW, not, three or four years from now. Paying off my debt and building up savings means staying at home – a lot. I’m a natural homebody though, so that part isn’t so bad. It means not buying things that I do not need. It means resisting the invitations from friends and family to ‘just go out to look around’ at stores, because I simply do not want the temptation. I resist the buying far easier these days than I did in my younger years, when buying was often a cure for unhappiness. I’ve faced the long-term results of that behavior when I had to leave most of what I had behind. A few things I still cannot resist, so I parse them out across the year in moderation – fine lingerie, scented candles and potpourri , personal fragrance, and books (sometimes shoes, I get a wild hair about them from time to time, lol!) Most of the above things reflect my inner femininity to me, despite what my current outward conditions might be – such as when living on my tiny little farm, dressing in carpenters pants, knee-high muck boots and flannel shirts, often wearing an old and tattered ball cap. Nothing outwardly feminine a’tall. But to come inside to a home scented with warm and sensuous things, to shrug into a soft, feminine robe after the day’s hot shower – those are the delights for my soul. So right now the tea lights are glimmering under the wax tart pots, candles are lit, and a nice selection of piano music is playing over the headset. A soft breeze is blowing in through the sliders and I can hear my wind chimes dancing merrily (now that they are cardinal vine free!). I am comfortably alone – for the moment actually enjoying my solitude instead of feeling lonely. A feeling of contentment fills me, despite the stalled place that I am in personally, the pall of which hangs off of me like ratty dried vines and sticks to me like cobwebs most days.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
– Carl Jung
Some people excel at planning. I am not bad at it – I’m actually quite good at laying a dream into the concrete, marching my way through the steps, and finally reaching my goal. In the past I have been able to identify a goal, research it, execute what needs to be done, and reach it. But that was with two people pulling in the harness, along with two incomes. This singleness business makes it quite tricky on some days. I have to be the one to argue myself out of stupid ideas or actions. I have to be the one to let the air out of my balloon and bring me back down to earth. That’s the part I am sometimes not so good at doing.
I am marvelously good at throwing myself into something though! Often blindly, with all that I have to give – time, energy, heart. And as one such a person, I am also learning to thicken my skin and accept the oft times less than stellar results. If you own the action, you simply have to own the reaction as well, right? My first reaction to hurt was to draw in, shut others out and lick my wounds. I think that is wrong on more than one front after giving it a good think-through. One person’s valuation of me is not representative of my true value, for starters. Secondly, if you get thrown from a horse, people say to get right back on so that fear doesn’t stay with you, and the horse doesn’t think it got the better of you. I have been thrown, and gotten back on in the past. When I fell roller skating or riding my bike, I didn’t avoid my bike or skates for months at a time! Nope, I applied some peroxide or Mercurochrome, slapped a band-aid on and off I went again. No fear. Shit happens. You fall down. Get the heck up! Maybe pay attention more to the pebbles that get caught in the skate wheels that cause the lurch forward, or the patch of sand that caused you to lose control of the bike perhaps. But stop riding? Stop skating? Heck no! Yes, the timing was bad. First-timers often is I guess. But also, how silly of me to think that the first time that there was interest on both sides, that everything might fit like hand in glove eh? That’s where the romantic dreamer in me gets in the way of the realist sometimes. I want to keep her, that romantic dreamer, because relationships just aren’t cookie-cutter things that happen according to a mental checklist; they must be more fluid and tolerant, allowing for swales and low spots, ridges and rocks small and large. I guess I look at myself in a relationship like water flowing. There will be obstacles of course, but water seeks its own level too. Sometimes there are simply two different water tables at work, or perhaps some brackish water bumping up against fresh, flowing water. Whatever the case, I’m not going to sit here and sulk like a sullen teenager. That’s just silly and self-defeating. So I will remain open, if not actively seeking. Which brings me to a funny thing my Mom said. I was talking about some interesting things that I am learning about solar set-ups, an amazing cabin that I saw on the tiny house list, and discussing potential land finds in Maine and Minnesota. My mother rolled her eyes and said “Don’t you think your time would be better spent on husband hunting than with all of this stuff?” Since I had just read up on hunting licenses in Maine, the first things that popped out of my mouth were “Is there a bag limit?” “Is there a limited season or can you hunt all year round?” And then I simply got into a fit of giggles over the entire thing. I realize her statements are out of concern for me and being alone at this time point in my life. I get that she worries that I might get mauled by a bear, hit a deer or a moose and wreck, or be stalked by some mad person while I’m out somewhere alone. But my Mom knows me, and she should worry more about things like me stepping on a board and breaking my face, or trying to lift something too heavy and pulling a muscle, or tripping over something, lol! Grace in motion I surely am not at any given time. What I lack in grace though, I usually make up for with enthusiasm and the ability to laugh at myself (smile).
We don’t laugh because we’re happy – we’re happy because we laugh.
Recently one of the forums I’m on had a bunch of lists of what people are looking for in a partner. There was only one person’s list that really resonated with me, but seeing even one was encouraging. I guess I am just not much of a boxed in person – I’m pretty open and tolerant, accepting of the nuances of people’s personalities; after all, that is what makes us all different and unique. I can be a workhorse and I can be a lay-in-the-grass star gazer. Each has their place in life, and one without the other makes for an imbalance.
I’ve had so many ideas lately – container housing, small house design, the possibility of buying a wooded parcel and using the timber to self-build (this seems unlikely, probably have to hire that out), buying a place with an acceptable, livable space and then building other things myself as time and money permits, closing in parts of an existing barn with living space, using reclaimed wood from existing structures to lower costs of building a living space, and on and on. I really have a soft place in my heart for the use of local wood in unfinished forms for parts of the interior and exterior living spaces. I’m scouring the Construction sections of one of the forums for ideas, for solutions, for wisdom on things to avoid, the use of solar panels and how wiring those works, how others have laid out their homesteads and what they looked at when doing so. I really want a wooded property so that I don’t have to mow so much – mowing at my old place while I was working full-time really took up a lot of time nine months of the year. I’m thinking 2-3 acres cleared would be the max I could handle when including a large garden space and a small barn/storage structure. I’d like woods so that I could harvest or cull a lot of my firewood without having to purchase it, as I plan on wood heat and possibly a wood stove for cooking. There’s an entire skill set that I’ll have to learn – wood-stove cooking! I can’t see having just a wood stove for cooking, as in the summer that would make the kitchen nearly unbearable I would think. Maybe an easy to use outdoor kitchen for the summer like a nice grill, or solar oven use would be an inexpensive alternative, especially if I want to rely on solar panels for much of my energy use. I don’t think I’d reject grid electricity though at all, if it is available. See? So much in my brain that there is hardly room to think! But enjoyable even as I bide my time to put it into play.
And my favorite quote for today:
Believing that you can get up and live through whatever life throws at you is stronger than anything that life does throw at you.
Believe. Get up. Smile. Live. Keep your heart open to love, both letting it out and welcoming it in.