Wrestling with Dichotomies in Style, or Trying to Make All of the ‘Me’s’ Happy.

Oof.  I wish that there was just one type of person that lived inside of my head.  Lassoing all of the segments of my personality gets a bit wearying at times.  How can the gypsy themes of deep purple, hot pink, and true reds live right next door to the whitewashed muted colors of sage and sea blue?  How does rough barn wood sidle up next to luxurious silk, satin and velvet fabrics?  I am a collage in my own mind.

Credit to Christopher Perez - Reims Graff

Credit to Christopher Perez – Reims Graff

I’ve played with paper for a long time – collecting it, matching it with found objects, sayings, natural items.  I adore paper.  Paper for writing my thoughts on, paper for jotting a note to send to others, paper that just makes me smile, or that makes wonder come alive in me – such as paper that contains elements of nature embedded within.   For a while in another life, I created things like that.  I miss it.  I want to return to it.  I’ve never been an artist of any real kind.  I cannot even draw a decent stick figure.  I dabbled in painting for a short time, and I am better at that.  Somewhere along my gazillion moves though, the nice oil paint set got left behind or sold I guess, as I didn’t find any of them when sorting through boxes.   It irks me that there is very little time to create when earning a living, especially if you have to drive to and fro to said work.  I guess that is why I write so much.  It is quicker and you can capture the thoughts as they whiz past the front of your mind in an E-mail or on Word, even while you are working.  My clearest and most deep thoughts though seem to come when I am driving.  I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a small voice activated recorder to use at such times.  Or I guess I could call myself and leave a voice mail, lol!  (Hey! I wonder if that would actually work??)   I used to keep notebooks in the car for jotting down impressions and thoughts, but that was when I didn’t do any of the driving.  It is a rather dangerous methodology to employ when you are the sole occupant and driver though.  Photography captures motivation and stimulation for me too, but again, fumbling with the camera or cell phone while in motion just isn’t terribly smart – not that it stops me from trying many times though.  So many times I just want to capture and hold that one moment, that feeling, that in-drawn breath, in order to revisit it again and again.  Life however, is contained in the moving.  Really, isn’t that what life IS?  Moving, doing, absorbing and sharing?

One thing that I find, is that you often must be still in order to fully live.  That sounds at cross-purposes with the words above, but it is very true.  Reflection upon and assimilation of sights, sounds, scents, people, scenery – is required in order to imprint in a solid memory.  Part of the current problems in the world today, I believe,  is the constant motion we find ourselves in.  It is difficult to become a good listener any more.  We are so geared to offer solutions (effieciency, right?) that we often don’t stop to hear the other person and what they are truly saying, but instead are simply framing an answer with a half-ear to the true meaning of the words gifted to us.

Which do you do?

Which do you do?

We all really are multi-faceted, like me with my love of jewel tones and opulence right alongside of clean lines and natural architectural elements of simplicity.  Some suppress those chaotic alter-egos, damping them down and sublimating them in order to have a certain kind of peace within I suppose.  I like all of me – the varying colors, interests, passions, imperfections.   Is not white light comprised of the reflection of all of the colors in the visible spectrum combined?  Are we not the brightest and most illuminating when we reflect back to others all that is within us?  But alas, white can be blinding – hence the term snow-blind, or the description of ‘glaring, white-hot lights’ and such.  Perhaps one simply needs to learn to use a dimmer-switch, taking note of the recipient of our expression.  Some can withstand the brilliant spectrum of our true selves; others, not so much.  Maybe that is because their own light is shuttered and buttoned-down, firmly under the guise of their control.

One must have darkness in order to appreciate light.

One must have darkness in order to appreciate light.

I have found that I cannot appreciate joy without having known sadness.  I cannot appreciate bounty, without experiencing deprivation. I cannot appreciate freedom, without having had someone try to control me.  Yes truly, to all things there is a season.

So how to let my expressions blend?  That is the question.  Perhaps a living area full of light, natural things that soothe, and a private room of my own in which to express all of the sensual things that are also an integral part of me.   I will continue to ponder how best to fit all of me in – after all, mystery is always contained behind a doorway.  It is those glimpses through cracked doors and partially shuttered windows that so intrigue us after all; that drive us to want to explore further what we only suspect may be there.   But when in the grips of intrigue, remember also this:

A permanent mental note

A permanent mental note

Always be authentic; just with some, be more reticent than with others.   Some cannot withstand your light, and that’s okay.  They must be true to the person that they are, here and now.  We all change, unless we are dead.  That is when living stops – and decay starts. Remember that when you fear change.  Every cell in your body is on a predetermined pathway to re-creation and renewal.  Why shouldn’t your thoughts, your life, your guts, be on the same pathway? We are all unfinished product – some of us just come with better veneers and paint jobs than others.  If you have some exposed places, expect rust and dirt to accumulate there, for some to turn away because of those imperfections and how they reflect back onto them in their own minds,  and be prepared to spend some time lovingly cleaning and fixing those spots with regularity – there is no shame in upkeep and maintenance.  In fact, it is the neglect of such that leads to irreparable damage and structural failure.  Don’t be afraid to look under your hood, to get into the crawl spaces of your life, to poke around in the attic and get dirty while doing so.  That’s what hot water, good friends and a real life is all about.

Back to style though – I love boho/hippie/shabby chic for my private space, but I am looking for a clean and uncluttered version.  So much of boho is just…too much.  Granted, opulence and sensuality is the cornerstone of bohemian decor but too much hurts my head and overwhelms my brain.   I want my sleeping and reading space to snuggle me, caress me – not make my brain hurt.

This is close:

I like how this allows for the luxe and vibrancy, yet melds it with the wood floors and clean white walls.  A bit too Victorian in styling, but it comes close to what I aim for.  My Pinterest board list grows daily, maybe hourly!

So today in between Pinterest and Tiny House stuff, I was unpacking and repacking things for storage.  Have I mentioned that I errr, have a thing about scents?  “Hi, My Name is _S_  and I am a scent addict.”   Heh, good thing that there are not Scent Fanatics Anonymous meetings. Well while rearranging my extensive home scent collection, I discovered something that reinforced my ‘never throw anything away’ gene tendencies.  Last weekend I was doing purging as well, and tossed out not one, but TWO Wallflower plug-in units (about 12.00 each).  The attendant scent vials were empty and I’m in a serious no-buy zone currently.  So why store them eh?  Welllll, because in another box, there were two fresh scent vials.  Hmph.  I usually save things for a reason.  Not always for good reasons mind you – my most recent reason was  “Now I am a widow and I may never be able to buy anything beautiful and awesome again” mode.  WHY the related items were not packed together so that they made sense, I cannot say.  I blame the packer.  Cough. Being single means usually no one else to blame, alas.   So here I sit with two vials of Warm Vanilla Sugar home scent mocking me.   So I hopped onto Amazon, as I have a gift card burning a hole in my pocket.  What did I find?  They’ve changed up the warming unit style.  Grrrrrrrr.  I don’t want one that takes up the entire socket.   Now I am really annoyed with my purging self (le sigh).  Why, why did I not realize that I would not have packed the darn things in their original box all nice and neatly if I had nothing to use them on?   Amazon did not have what I wanted, and I refused to pay for a new set at BBW.  I guess I’ll just hold on to them for a while.  In consolation  I have lit my Caramel Apple Crisp and Cinnamon Roll candles.  I wonder why I am  hungry?  (smile)  Time for a cheese and pear plate I do think, and I just happen to have some perfectly ripe organic D’Anjou pears and some mild cheese for accompaniment.  Oh and look! A nice Pinot Noir Malbec as well.   Looks like a good time to take a break, nosh and look at more ideas online!

Thanks to all who read and subscribe – it is encouraging to me!

~SE

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