Tuesday morning was one of those times that alive is just an honestly good thing to be. We finally got a bit of chill in the air, albeit nothing in comparison to the rest of the nation. Cool air invigorates me, makes me happy, sharpens my senses. It was in the 30’s when I left for work, finally able to wear my sweater and boots. I truly miss seasons. The sky was that sharp, clear and bright robin’s egg blue, and the clouds were blazing white against that blue backdrop. I span several bridges on my daily commute, and the water reflected the brilliance of the sun, capturing its incandescence on the wave tips in the areas not breaking whitecaps due to the winds. It was piano music set to a daylight melody. I went outside as often as possible without neglecting my job duties. Around 2:30 PM I was walking by the woods behind our office, and the sun was beaming down on a bracken forest, illuminating the greens to the point of silver essence. I do not know why, but that kind of thing takes my breath, makes me smile and want to cry. In those moments, there is no loss, no pain, no struggle – there is just visual beauty of a kind that man cannot create. The water fowl beside the pond stood stiff-legged and doggedly searching in the shallows for a moving morsel, their delicate crown feathers dancing in the winds. In that moment, I was truly happy.
Goofy happiness is my general state really. but I have struggled with that lately from time to time. Sometimes my dreams seem so far away, like some ethereal presence that I can see in the distance, but always eluding my grasp. I doggedly pursue them, bolstering my time delays by searching out photographs and trying on housing for size and aesthetic pleasure. I ponder wood, stone or cob. I search for fabrics for tactile and visual pleasures. But the progress is slow, as with any good thing. I want to hit fast-forward, oh so often.
Pragmatism though, has pushed its way to the forefront, thanks to the gentle encouragement of my dear friends (thank you ladies!) Since I’m not buying the land, it will be there probably when all of my other ducks are in a row. Drilling the well was the way to make it ‘mine’, in my head, to put my imprimatur on it. To pee on the corner, lol! However, the realistic path is to pay off all debt first. I chafe at not being able to claim some segment of my dream, but in truth, this is the better path. It’s not sexy, thrilling or pleasurable in the same way as walking property, touching trees, kicking a toe into the soil. I can taste those moments in my mind – and my imagination is vivid. I can create any scene, any setting, anything that I desire. Solid foundations though, create a more stable place from which to leap. Putting all of my money towards becoming completely debt free puts me in a better position no matter what my future blooms into. It puts me at a better position should the economy tank. It will make the progress towards real things more certain. I confess, I do not like it. It feels like…standing still. Not moving. It feels like no progress. While I can sit still to read, to watch a movie, and to love, my norm is not one of sitting still. I like forward progress. I like to make things happen. My task is to make the debt pay off feel like progress in some manner. I just have to figure out how to do that. I’m pretty creative, so I’ll think of something to celebrate milestones on the spreadsheets, I will!
There is a line in the Foo Fighters song “Best of You” that goes like this – “I’ve got another confession my friend, I’m no fool. I’m getting tired of starting again, somewhere new.” I play this song nearly every day on my way to work along with a ton of others, some to evoke memories of people, some to rev up my psyche for another day in the IT grind, some to fuel my imagination in regards to finding love, and others to remind myself that I am strong. But I have a secret to share. Being strong all of the time is tiring. Some days, after I am done with misty eyes over beauty, I just want to cry my eyes out in frustration as well. I WANT to have a doggone pity party. I’ve broken down with friends on the phone a few times in the past year. It was a difficult one for me in so many ways. Fact is, I am afraid to get into a full bore pity party, because I dislike them so much. Small mopes are okay, but then move on! I have great cheerleaders, ladies who have been there through so much of the last decade of my life. When I falter, when I doubt, when I am hurt and tender all over from the heart outward to my fingernails, they hold me up and stand by me. Sometimes they let me cry. Sometimes they yell at me. Many times they make me laugh through the tears. But most of all, they stick with me. So you gals out there, you know who you are. Thank you. You have no idea how sometimes just hearing your voice, when I am alone, reminds me that someone cares (that I didn’t give birth to, haha!), or that note that arrives in E-mail that makes me smile, or a pin from Pinterest that lets me know that I crossed your mind that day. I appreciate it. And for my married friends, I appreciate that your husbands allow me time with you, in person and on the phone, and that they share you. My also single friends, well, your time is something you can never retrieve – and when you spend it with me, I appreciate it.
I’ve probably been sappy enough for at least a week’s worth of posts in this one – so now for some humor to lighten things up!
The solution to dating problems…
Laugh, first at yourself. Look for beauty everywhere. Remember to be kind. Be goofy at times, too much stoicism makes ya stiff.