Exploring the Void

In quiet and through reflection, when I really want to get to the bottom of things, make sense, improve who I am, I peer into the Void.

The Void is the place where other people developed things that I never did.  What you read here is years of self-discovery; things I never had the quiet to look at, or at times, the bravery.  I papered over the Void, filled it with other things, like some people cut out magazine photographs and put them on vision boards to craft the ‘vision’ of life as they wish to live it.  It is difficult to face the fact that in the card catalog of your life, there are entire sections missing; hell, sometimes there isn’t even a box FOR the section there.  That means that I have to first build that long, slender wooden box, before I can even start filling in the section.  How do I know what is missing, if I don’t even know what it is?

The first section I have turned to recently is the section “Trust”.  Trust is related to safety. I have never known safety, until here at last, on my own.  I looked up the definition of these two words, to see if the external interpretation matches my own:

Safety: The condition of being protected from or unlikely to cause danger, risk or injury.

 Trust: Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something

It is my belief that one must live in safety in order to properly develop intuitive trust.  Since I never had safety as a child, my sense of trust is unformed, uncertain; but it is still like that of a child, easily given.  I desperately want to know that there are others that I can trust.

Trust has a visual in my mind that goes like this

My trust is a brightly colored beach ball; light, airy, easily passed to another and filled with the essence of me.  For many years of my life, I tossed that beach ball very rarely.  When I did, my aim was terribly flawed.  Oh, people caught it.  Because I have no firm vision of safe places to send my trust, I put it in the hands of the wrong people, time, time, and time again.  Surprisingly, it keeps intact, never showing the wear, tear and mishandling. Each untrustworthy person still has the ability to surprise and stun me, just like the very first time.  I’ve even had that beach ball deflated, carefully folded into a very small thing, and stuffed down my throat to suffocate me, choking on my own trust.  Yet, even after clawing it out of my throat so that I can breathe again, I am able to gently and lovingly press it back to the shape it needs to be in order to be inflated and hold my essence, ready to be tossed again.  

Through this, I learn that my Trust is partnered with Hope. I refuse to let my life experiences overwrite the actual truth that there is goodness abounding in this world.  I do spend a lot of time in the natural world, for there I find absolutes, not shaded with deception.  I mean, a leaf is a leaf is a leaf.  It doesn’t suddenly transform in your hand into say, a snake. It may hide a snake, but it is never a snake in and of itself.  It is always a leaf. How I wish people were more like that!  

The Void contains a lot of information in the blank spaces though, like dark matter.  The absence is revelation itself.  Lacking a true definition of safety, even the experience of such, I have to bumble around a bit to create that definition box.  You can’t really Google it either, the construct of safety. 

Currently I find it by limiting my interaction with others, except those who toss that trust ball back and forth consistently over time.  I have four people like that in my life, two for years and years now, one going on a couple of years, and one that is pretty freshly allowed into that zone.  Three are female, one is male.  That male is a big deal, as that is where my trust issues really are flawed. These are all friendships – hard-won things for me. The Void prevented formation of friendships when I was young.  You can’t have friendships when your home is a house of cards, a living charade, and the family is all about appearances. I had acquaintances, true.  I knew lots of people, but they did not know me. I floated in and out of all of the groups, as shape-shifting is a natural art form for us, honed by years of experience. In my combined twenty-seven years of marriage, I had no close friendships until the last ten years. I still lived in houses of cards then too, trading one scenario for another.  As such, I sometimes overwhelm people, as I am making up years of having no safety and no real friendships.  I never allowed myself really close to anyone, as there was never anyone I could depend on, that didn’t take what I gave of me and turn around and use it as a weapon against me.  So I worry a lot over my friendships.  Am I being a friend back?  What do friends really do? Do I give as much as I take? Do I help them as they help me?  Most people learn this by osmosis, growing up.  Their parents have friends, they themselves develop friends.  I didn’t.  Sometimes it feels really clumsy and awkward, trying to learn something most people know by young adulthood, along with trying to hold back years of wanting to be close to others. 

So I’m currently building boxes in my card catalog of self – Trust.  Safety.  Boundaries.  My friendships are a huge help in that.  Trust is finished, just needing sanding and a final protective coating; it even has some card references inside.  Safety is still just the wooden pieces laid out and I am studying the diagram.  Boundaries is a new thing I discovered I am missing, and I recently ordered the wood for that one 🙂

Exploring the Void is a good thing.  It takes time.  For the first time in my life, I can explore it without hindrance, with only helpers involved.  My friendships, they shine light in. Sometimes they point out by example things that I didn’t even know were missing. Sometimes they gently nudge me away from areas I shouldn’t be in.  Sometimes they hold my hand when I’m leaning wayyyyy into the Void, like spelunking partners; they are my emotional pitons, holding me steady as I descend. 

I often wonder how many others are out here that struggle with such basic things that make up wholeness. If you or someone you are close to has experienced this, please drop a comment.  I’d like to hear from both sides of the story, because, well; it’s really awkward asking your friends if indeed, you are being a good friend 🙂

My quote of resonance today

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

~C. Joybell C.



My Inner Light

My Inner Light

  26 comments for “Exploring the Void

  1. June 28, 2014 at 7:09 PM

    You wrote the story of my life except the 27 yr marriage. I’ve been married that long, two instead of one. You’ve made progress. My family life sucked. My father killed himself in 1992. I have Bipolar Disorder and have had years that were dark. You can’t make friends in the dark or staying at home. People tell me all the time how brave I am, what an inspiration and so on. I’ve made a huge leap but I realize how deep the scars are. I have empathy for anyone who suffers at the hands of another. Friends, trust, not completely. Not sure it’s possible. I have many people on WP that I have come to care very deeply for. Some I believe except me for who I am. They have come from the depths of hell, we grow in our pain. Supporting each other thru the bumps. After 13 yrs of marriage I have dark times or health issues and I retreat inside. Protecting myself, expecting the worst. I am honest with him about it, think I would not feel that way if not given a reason. Loving someone who has chronic illnesses and depression is quite a pill. I am confident, not codependent, honest in responses and very interested in life. Friends and a rainbow ball, don’t see it. I’m ok with that. I wish you great success and you learn who you are and what you want to be when you grow up. I can see you on the John Deere. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • June 28, 2014 at 7:19 PM

      I know that some people don’t really understand how an entire familial unit (extended included) does not include one normal, functioning example of relationships, of being a good person, proper parenting, etc. We’re like aliens to them I suspect. My 27 years were broken into two episodes also.

      Until I slowed down, had no one else to care for daily, I couldn’t even begin to examine it. Only recently have I broken through in understanding some of the why’s.

      Hah, I mowed often on my neighbor’s John Deere when my stupid machine didn’t work. Loved hers!

      I am glad you’re making connections wherever you’re making them – many people doubt the power and depth of online connections – but all of my close friends have come through that medium.

      PS. Do I have to actually grow up? 😉

      Liked by 3 people

      • June 28, 2014 at 7:31 PM

        Hell no!!!!!!!~

        Liked by 2 people

        • June 28, 2014 at 7:32 PM

          Just checking 😉


          • June 28, 2014 at 7:47 PM

            That’s no fun. You’re just getting started!!!! You haven’t even taken the hair pins out and let your hair blow in the wind while mowing out back. Hell you might get a nice assorment of tank’s that say outragious slogans, all offensive to go with the overalls. You have to get you bad on. 🙂


            • June 28, 2014 at 7:53 PM

              LOL! My hair isn’t long enough to blow in the wind. As for tanks, I had an idea that I shared with AI the other day:


              Survivors Unite Courageously Kicking Ass

              Maybe we could sell tanks with that on them for TCTC.

              Now where is my trademark logo (off to rummage around for it)

              Can’t imagine my short-legged self in overalls without heels. Maybe these?

              (laughs evilly and runs away for logo)

              Liked by 2 people

              • June 28, 2014 at 8:01 PM

                I can can see it now, actually I can see Jess in those. I like S.U.C.K.A., that’s worth printing at cafepress.com. I can see you’re going to be a handfull! 🙂

                Liked by 1 person

  2. headgamesptsd
    June 28, 2014 at 7:23 PM

    This a lovely post. I spend a lot of time looking into void and discovering pieces of myself that I thought was lost for good. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 2 people

    • June 28, 2014 at 7:28 PM

      Thank you. I try to balance my time looking back, with looking forward. However, I understand that the path forward might not improve if I don’t discover those cracks in the walkway of my life – I’ll just keep getting my heels hung in them and falling on my face (I’ve actually, literally done that, lol!)

      I”m glad you found something to connect with, and that you continue retrieving your pieces until you are whole. Duct tape helps too, preferably in pink camo 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  3. June 29, 2014 at 7:57 AM

    Another great post. And beautiful picture! I like your sense of humor :).

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 29, 2014 at 9:20 AM

      Thank you. And sometimes, humor is about the only ‘sense’ I display 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 29, 2014 at 9:27 AM

        I SO understand you! :))) I can’t resist funny… I live abroad, far away of friends and family… It’s very difficult being myself because people don’t get me (and barely know me)… Don’t get my jokes… Think that I’m crazy or shallow… I’m just being myself and living the only life I have. I can laugh through the tears… Why people don’t get that? (Even when my life was hell, I could smile… And I wasn’t pretending… That’s other thing, why is that so hard to understand?… We are all different… Why is it so hard for some to accept that!! :)). Keep writing! You inspire. And your beautiful pictures make my day brighter (like a sunflower!)

        Liked by 1 person

        • June 29, 2014 at 9:40 AM

          Me either, even sometimes, inappropriate funny (gotta work on that one I guess). Yes! I could always smile as well. Thank you for your kind words about my writing, smiles and healing, what more could one ask to influence – it is humbling, truly.

          I can’t wait for you to have that beautiful, zen-like garden pond you displayed – it is lovely beyond words.

          And psst, here’s my new photography blog, if you might want more eye candy fun 🙂


          Thank you again.


  4. Willy Nilly
    June 29, 2014 at 9:05 AM

    Your words hammered a prybar through the smallest crack in my strongest defense against trust, hope, and all those emotions that hang loosely to the framework of it all. I’ve lived in the void for decades, in some dark place where I imagined the light and built an entire universe in my mind to explore like some enchanted child, my persona projected to the world as an avatar that could not be touched or harmed. I think I may have lived out my life there, waiting for the day my only true friend, Death, would finally agree I was ready to go home. It was these small cracks that let in a true light, that exposed a more beautiful existance I had missed. It was there all the time, I only needed to accept that it was real and let go of all I held on to in that dark place. I now find that for me to come out into the light that you and others shine so brightly, I have to find a way through those walls that are as effective keeping me in as they are keeping others out. Breaking free of one’s own defenses is difficult but worthy labor. Even if I don’t escape, if I expire in the effort, I now understand that to be free of the prison one builds for oneself is the ultimate freedom to walk in the true light of others. There is where I discover that trust, hope, love and all good things I desire is the essence of spiritual wholeness and not the source of mind numbing pain I mistook it to be. Thank you for your willingness to put down, in heartfelt words, your own journey through the void. You shine a light that becomes a North star for those that see it, to find there own way. And, you are not alone in this ability. I begin to see the light from others as well.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. June 29, 2014 at 9:34 AM

    I am humbled by your comment, thank you.

    May the 10,000 pin pricks of light grow to just the right illumination you need, day by day, until you arrive at the exact destination for you, in exactly the right timeline suited for your needs. Go gently.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. June 30, 2014 at 4:25 PM

    Thank you for wonderfully written and honest post. It resonates with me a lot, because I’ve been dwelling a lot on trust lately. Having placed my trust previously in two abusive men, I am now battling to not be afraid to trust – and worried about having faith in my own judgement again. So I really love that you’ve shared how you’re unafraid to trust and to live 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 30, 2014 at 4:37 PM

      Thank you for contributing, and I am glad my musings are helpful 🙂 Defining safe, taking one’s time, and being aware are all beginning points. Just knowing, is the actual begin point.

      Best wishes on both of our continuing journeys!


  7. July 3, 2014 at 6:10 PM

    I think a lot of people would relate, with insight. People mime more than they let on, in my experience. But they don’t tell themselves – which is either better or worse depending.

    You’re much further along than I am in some respects, but your conceptual grasp is great. Trust is impossible when you can’t play both sides of the board. But I am working on it. It does seem like there can’t be ups without the downs – it is “0” or danger. Perhaps people at the same juncture could build something out side of standards. Maybe. It is also difficult to forgive without giving people permission to fail. If they can not trust your forgiveness, there will be no honesty. But if only you can maintain your side, no one has anything.

    I think it does end in the zero state, but I hope ‘m wrong. So that is my contribution.

    As to others, I hope you don’t mind, but perhaps at look how similar this is: (idk if we can link in here, probs not I imagine, I’ll try) – http://tinyurl.com/mv6jna3

    It may not be, but it did remind me. ^^

    Liked by 1 person

  8. July 3, 2014 at 7:26 PM

    Thanks for dropping by and contributing. The link you parsed is an excellent read; I hope others will peruse it.

    The simple basis for me is that everything is a choice. If I do not make the choice to live forward, with trust, and goodness, then the infamous ‘they’ win. They take away the light. I will not allow that. I may slip, but it is less and less as time moves forward. Living with authenticity may not always be politically correct, or embraced by our cultural environment – yet each day it is more and more ME.

    The goal is not to hurt or impugn others. The goal is to heal and re-calibrate me, to a more balanced state. Then I am useful to others, and to myself. This holds true for all types of recovery, regardless of where one is in the dance.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. July 6, 2014 at 6:52 AM

    Really could relate to this – have been in the void. Related strongly to the difficulties in having or making friends when you are living in a house of cards. Those experiences are behind me now, I was fortunate enough to find a loving husband and create two fabulous children (most of the time) but the past still trips me up from time to time.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. July 6, 2014 at 10:07 AM

    I’m delighted to hear this! Congratulations on your healing and continued forward movement. And I hear you on the (most of the time), smile. Thank you for visiting and commenting!


  11. bluerock / debrazone
    July 15, 2014 at 6:20 PM

    Your words are so brilliantly written, as are those of others who have commented. I have felt and seen some beautiful light here.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. July 15, 2014 at 6:23 PM

    Thank you for your thoughtful words. The greatest thing about my blog is my readers 🙂 There are some awesome people here – look forward to everyone getting to know each other!


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