Free Flow

It is no mystery to those close to me that this is a difficult time.  What follows is simply another free flow writing I did, similar to “Skin Tight” a few months ago.

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It is trying to try, try and try again. It wearies and robs the soul of happiness that it is its natural state. We seek beauty where it can be found – words, flowers, the rain, fondling things from the past that keep us from feeling the present. And yet, being mindful and pragmatic underneath, we know what it is we are doing…and do it anyway.

Filling the gaps becomes almost a drive. A person here, a person there, like recreating a statue from pieces of string, some bird feathers, flower petals and words. A storm comes and we relate to it; wish for the release that the clouds have.  They fill until bursting, and then flood the terrain all around them, caring not that they flood some streets, endanger lives, swallow up the work of loving hands.  But as people, we try to be mindful of others and not flood them – sluicing our wants and needs through different gates so as not to overwhelm; making sure to not endanger others lives by taking too much of them; taking care to not swallow up the people and relationships that consume the rest of their days and nights.  We are acutely aware most of the time, that we only have borrowed time – taken from this activity, or that person, and try oh so hard to tread lightly, spread our needs around using people like piers on a foundation footing.

Then once in a while, we unburden on one person just that one iota too much that breaks the balance, and we pay. Anger flows from fingers or voices.  Boundaries are set which we must observe in order to preserve. And so we look around for others to bear parts of our burdens, knowing that they are heavy, at times smothering or overwhelming.  Rarely do the others think of what it is like to be us – silent but bursting to the edges.  Metering our conversational times out of respect. Turning inward and having conversations with ourselves, or scribbling furiously in journals or reworking at writing poetry, all so we can keep that conversation in house.

I started writing a long time ago to give voice to things that I needed to express, at a time when I was really leaning heavily on very few people to fill the gap that my spouse left.  We try desperately to not wear those connections thin so that they, too, are lost to us and we are left reeling like a spider in a web that someone ungraciously and accidentally obliterates the ground line of webbing; dangling in mid-air, flailing to find our bearings and lacking the ability to shoot webbing out of our ass to hold us fast to the nearest stable thing.

Usually we will do it with our words or our fingers – shooting things out to find our bearings again. Sometimes in the self-focus of our loss, we do trample others and overstep those carefully erected boundaries of respect.  For that, I apologize. Unless you have been where we are, you simply cannot know the difficulty in re-calibrating your life from a pair to one. It is different from divorce, where things often slowly peter away until there is nothing, where the participants are knowing but ignoring.  It is abrupt and harsh – like the ground opening up under your feet and you lack a parachute, didn’t plan for this contingency, and have no idea what to do.

Today, while I was working on a poem, I realized that I send all of that into the ether. It is less grounding perhaps than to lean on a close friend, but it touches a multitude and spreads the burden out quite a bit more.

I experience joy alone.  I experience bewilderment alone. I cry alone. It is simply a fact, the new balance in my life. But to those of you who allow me time, I thank you – be you readers or close friends. As a friend recently told me, “You run at 78 and I am a 33.”  I have a busy mind, bursting with ideas and expression, seeking beauty every single place that I can find it.  Even nearly five years in, I am still unsteady on my feet, like a new sailor on the sea of life.

I appreciate your patience 🙂

~SE

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  13 comments for “Free Flow

  1. August 24, 2014 at 9:03 PM

    Write and unburden. I get it. Unseen faces can be amazing listeners, I hope you feel extremely supported. Sending you warm energy and an arm around your shoulder.:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 24, 2014 at 9:07 PM

      Thank you Bren. I’ve not even been reading much lately, so overwhelmed I have been feeling :/ Grief sucks!! I feel the arm around me from way over here 🙂

      Like

  2. Willy Nilly
    August 24, 2014 at 9:11 PM

    So honest and touching. Some give so much of themselves that everyone forgets they also need to receive some of what they’ve given so much of. I wish you peace of mind in this most difficult time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 24, 2014 at 9:14 PM

      Thanks WN. I do try to give as much as I receive, or more. It is simply a difficult scale on which to measure the true weight of things 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. August 24, 2014 at 9:25 PM

    I loved the depth with which you connected to me in this piece. Thank you for the connection and for allowing us to understand the tenderness within.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 24, 2014 at 9:28 PM

      In a world where defensiveness is the norm, I am often afraid to show the vulnerability that I feel at times. But writing it releases some of the emptiness that is my constant companion. Perhaps one day, that will not be the case. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. And hey, good to see you back writing!

      Like

      • August 24, 2014 at 9:33 PM

        In releasing it you share with so many others a touch of your greatness. To give others a glimpse of your soul helps them to understand a portion of their own. What a great gift that is.

        Thank you for the encouragement in my writing.

        Liked by 1 person

        • August 24, 2014 at 9:38 PM

          I have a difficult time accepting personal compliments as opposed to writing ones, so I will just say thank you. For someone like me, it is humbling to the point of embarrassment. (I promise I will work on that!)

          And keep writing, you need no lessons 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          • August 24, 2014 at 9:42 PM

            I struggle with the exact same thing. It’s good to know I am not alone.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. alfredsalmanac
    August 25, 2014 at 12:48 PM

    A very honest post and so well written. I see where you are coming from. Keep on keeping on 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 25, 2014 at 5:21 PM

      Just imagine the hundreds of small exchanges in a day or week even, between you and your spouse. Now imagine trying to save that up until you can talk to someone that knows you, and yet does not fill that exact role. How many things you feel yourself swallow, or get put aside. It is difficult to imagine I suppose. I am learning to deal with it, and some days I do much better than others 🙂 This week isn’t one of them, haha! Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. August 25, 2014 at 6:45 PM

    Powerfully raw, my friend. Sobering. Well said!

    Liked by 1 person

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