Floundering for Words

I always have words.  Words to write, words to say when given a chance.  And I am full of them now too – well, thoughts actually would be more accurate.

What does one write on a death anniversary, when writing is simply what one does? Does it make others uncomfortable? I don’t know too many people who have had their spouse die. One or two that are close to my age. I opened up my post-death journal  tonight as I can’t sleep because I am so tired. I was looking through old photos. Listening to some music.  Tried to figure out what I wanted to express on this day. I wrote down so many raw things in that first  year, it is often difficult for me to even read it; but I am glad that I have it now, five years later.

I found an odd thing in my journal, so I thought I’d write about that.  Post a poem that I wrote about dying, love and memory, and some songs, along with one of only about five photos of me and my late husband. It is over a decade old — I used to be young, lol!  And he didn’t smile, because he needed some dental work.  I was always behind the camera, and I don’t like to have my picture taken.

A love of music was something he and I shared, but our genre choices were wayyyyyy apart.  He loved rock – old school rock, hard rock, southern rock – basically any kind of rock.  I’m not so much about that style of music.  But we shared it, listened to the other’s choices, and sometimes danced in the kitchen while cooking. I love to dance, he didn’t. If we went out though, he would dance with me.  One of the first things I did when I returned home to clean up after the death, was pick up the iPod we shared. His favorite band was Queensryche, and I actually liked some of their stuff – particularly their version of ‘Scarborough Fair’.  I put the earbuds in and turned it on – and these were the first three songs that came on.  After the third one, I had to turn it off for a while.  It was just too much. I think you will understand why. It is one of a few very unusual experiences I’ve had in my life.

The gist of why I am sharing this is this:

If you are married or in a relationship with someone, turn to them some time today and tell them what they mean to you.  If you are traveling, call them or better yet, write them, so they can always have those words.  Cook something special. Take home a bouquet of flowers just because. Even if you’re fighting. Make up, if you can possibly see your way to do so. Because you never know when your last day with that person may be. And if you can’t think of a good reason why, or are feeling ornery about it,  just…do it for me, okay?  🙂

The song line up:

As You Fade

As you fade into shades of blue, brown
Speckled like freckled shoulders
I grow.

Handily planted in ashes of your memory
Rises the Phoenix of who I am
Always was.

While you linger within the living me
There is no part of me in you
Except ash.

No forever in love but memory
In my dying it will die,
Set free.

Reborn in love on other faces
Settling ash in foreign synapses
Fresh love.

And this is how as we fade, we also live.

I miss you.~JM2.