Okay, so there isn’t really a vortex in my life, but there are times as I stand beside my life and look at it that I could swear I can feel the sucking sounds at my feet and hear the power of the strength of the pull away from those things I desire to accomplish or move towards.
Just as I was beginning to explore a care-taking opportunity to bridge me over to the future one and allow me to get back to the wilds, hands-in-the-dirt, I received a distressing phone call. The buyer of my property died on Monday. This wouldn’t be problematic if it were a conventional loan as his wife could continue on. But it was a land contract, and he specifically excluded having his wife on the contract. He left his widow with no life insurance, no SS survivor’s benefits, and she’s never worked a job a day in her life. When I received that phone call, the massive mental shifts between empathy and worry were difficult. I have been in her shoes, but at least I had a job. I found myself unable to work into the conversation a temporary agreement in writing, and haven’t done so yet. I still remember the crushing burden of finding oneself alone unexpectedly and the scads of details that you face unknowingly until death is on your doorstep.
My fragile personal economy won’t allow me much graciousness in her situation. I cannot let empathy override self-preservation either. So negotiations started at my job for me to take a working week off to go up and discuss things face to face, see what shape the property is in, and try to get a feel for things and how to move forward. If I have to return to occupy the property, I may lose my job of ten years. If I don’t go occupy the property, I may once again be facing foreclosure, as I cannot bear the dual burden of a mortgage and rent where I am currently. It isn’t really a rentable property, as it is quite remote. Jobs there are scarce as hens teeth and when found are not at the top of the wage scale. Most homes rent for 500.00 or less, and my mortgage is more than that. Plus, remote landlord activities are difficult at best and nightmarish at worst. As such, my brain has alternately been in overdrive for solutions, and just checking out on me as I do mindless things like listen to music and read, to balance the strain.
Now that I’m not working so many hours, writing has come back to the surface of my mind, and then Thwack!, a new challenge. Thankfully I had a beautiful working vacation just recently with a dear friend. We ate well, we languished in the sun around the garden, dirtied our hands a bit and simply enjoyed each other’s company in our down times from work. It re-ignited my drive to get back on land, which I was exploring with another family who needs a caretaker. What is that saying, “The best laid plans…?” LOL! I suspect things will work out, but the worry between now and then I’ll have to clamp down on so as to not let it overwhelm me. I’ve consulted with friends for guidance as well; sometimes a detached opinion is better than when you’re mired inside of the issue.
I recently wrote my first poem in a long time too. Seems turning my brain inside out for solutions let loose a burst of creativity as well. So I am including it here, along with one of my favorite photos from my trip. The dusky blue coating on the hairs of this Checkerspot made me smile 🙂 I hope you enjoy it too!
Restlessness lives under the skin
Sinuously sliding around hair follicle
Bases, burrowing towards our marrow
En route it touches nerve endings
Deadening some, quickening others
Until it reaches the heart of the bones
And flows throughout all of us,
Carried along in the new cells
Being built quietly under the surface of all
That is where true change is borne
Under the skin, between the teeth
Beneath our nails as they scratch the surface of something new
It is like contagion, raising a fever
Within, burning us with infectious
Desires and making us glassy-eyed and sleepless
Coloring everything we view with a new tinge
Of passion, changing our perspective
Narrowing our peripheral vision
Willfully we swallow the antidote of normalcy
Return to our daily routine, come to our senses
Defeated again, restlessness lingers at the base of the spine
Quietly waiting, dormant, knowing
Only a little imbalance in the system
Will allow it to flare again and ignite once more
And so for now, I leave you with this encouragement from someone wiser than I:
“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” ~Helen Keller
Be well, be strong, and be agile 🙂