Flailing in the Vortex and carrying my Rubber Ducky!

Okay, so there isn’t really a vortex in my life, but there are times as I stand beside my life and look at it that I could swear I can feel the sucking sounds at my feet and hear the power of the strength of the pull away from those things I desire to accomplish or move towards.

Just as I was beginning to explore a care-taking opportunity to bridge me  over to the future one and allow me to get back to the wilds, hands-in-the-dirt, I received a distressing phone call.  The buyer of my property died on Monday.  This wouldn’t be problematic if it were a conventional loan as his wife could continue on.  But it was a land contract, and he specifically excluded having his wife on the contract. He left his widow with no life insurance, no SS survivor’s benefits, and she’s never worked a job a day in her life. When I received that phone call, the massive mental shifts between empathy and worry were difficult. I have been in her shoes, but at least I had a job. I found myself unable to work into the conversation a temporary agreement in writing, and haven’t done so yet. I still remember the crushing burden of finding oneself alone unexpectedly and the scads of details that you face unknowingly until death is on your doorstep.

My fragile personal economy won’t allow me much graciousness in her situation. I cannot let empathy override self-preservation either.  So negotiations started at my job for me to take a working week off to go up and discuss things face to face, see what shape the property is in, and try to get a feel for things and how to move forward. If I have to return to occupy the property, I may lose my job of ten years.  If I don’t go occupy the property, I may once again be facing foreclosure, as I cannot bear the dual burden of a mortgage and rent where I am currently.  It isn’t really a rentable property, as it is quite remote.  Jobs there are scarce as hens teeth and when found are not at the top of the wage scale.  Most homes rent for 500.00 or less, and my mortgage is more than that.  Plus, remote landlord activities are difficult at best and nightmarish at worst. As such, my brain has alternately been in overdrive for solutions, and just checking out on me as I do mindless things like listen to music and read, to balance the strain.

Now that I’m not working so many hours, writing has come back to the surface of my mind, and then Thwack!, a new challenge. Thankfully I had a beautiful working vacation just recently with a dear friend.  We ate well, we languished in the sun around the garden, dirtied our hands a bit and simply enjoyed each other’s company in our down times from work. It re-ignited my drive to get back on land, which I was exploring with another family who needs a caretaker.  What is that saying, “The best laid plans…?”  LOL!  I suspect things will work out, but the worry between now and then I’ll have to clamp down on so as to not let it overwhelm me. I’ve consulted with friends for guidance as well; sometimes a detached opinion is better than when you’re mired inside of the issue.

I recently wrote my first poem in a long time too.  Seems turning my brain inside out for solutions let loose a burst of creativity as well. So I am including it here, along with one of my favorite photos from my trip.  The dusky blue coating on the hairs of this Checkerspot made me smile 🙂  I hope you enjoy it too!

Delirium

Restlessness lives under the skin
Sinuously sliding around hair follicle
Bases, burrowing towards our marrow

En route it touches nerve endings
Deadening some, quickening others
Until it reaches the heart of the bones

And flows throughout all of us,
Carried along in the new cells
Being built quietly under the surface of all

That is where true change is borne
Under the skin, between the teeth
Beneath our nails as they scratch the surface of something new

It is like contagion, raising a fever
Within, burning us with infectious
Desires and making us glassy-eyed and sleepless

Coloring everything we view with a new tinge
Of passion, changing our perspective
Narrowing our peripheral vision

Willfully we swallow the antidote of normalcy
Return to our daily routine, come to our senses
Defeated again, restlessness lingers at the base of the spine

Quietly waiting, dormant, knowing
Only a little imbalance in the system
Will allow it to flare again and ignite once more

Checkerspot in situ

Checkerspot in situ

And so for now, I leave you with this encouragement from someone wiser than I:

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” ~Helen Keller

Be well, be strong, and be agile 🙂

~SE

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  11 comments for “Flailing in the Vortex and carrying my Rubber Ducky!

  1. October 26, 2014 at 11:40 AM

    Beautiful!
    I hope you get all sorted soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 28, 2014 at 9:16 PM

      Thank you DO. I don’t know that ‘soon’ will come into play, but I at least hope I get it sorted 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Randstein
    October 26, 2014 at 12:15 PM

    I often have to look up from the circling bowl and think how samsara has blanketed my spirit with a dullness I like to pretend is inner peace. But, then I remember the awful struggle to survive the challenges of those adventures I sought with an open mind. I remember so many that perished by my side, trying to achieve the same. It’s in the crucible of life that we learn who we are. It’s in the insurmountable moment between madness and determination that we decide our future. Don’t cast off your armor when you get weary. Take a knee and sharpen your sword. You know what must be done and you will do it because your dream is worth the battle and the cost.

    Liked by 2 people

    • October 28, 2014 at 9:21 PM

      As long as I don’t have to sharpen my sword on my bad knee, I might be all right 😉 I am only hopeful that all of the other players in the drama of life come through in their parts, so that I can do my part. Or, then I’ll dig out plan # 5,209 after re-grouping!
      Thank you for the encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. October 26, 2014 at 11:56 PM

    Dear Sunny
    It’s hard to follow the words of Randstein but I’ll give it a go. When life gets crazy and we think our mind and bodies can’t take anymore, wham something hits you in the head. It’s terrible for her to be left in the situation without much thought about her future. Life has brought you two together over a shared experience and pain. Maybe something wonderful will come from what seems overwhelming now. I’m always here for you, I have no words of wisdom but listen well and have a strong shoulder. I’m glad to see writing provided an outlet even for a short time. The words touched the soul and the photo is perfect. I love outdoor photos and how can you go wrong with a butterfly.
    You have a family with our group and we are all here for you. Any way we can help.
    Keeping you in my prayers. Huge Hugs 🙂
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 28, 2014 at 9:24 PM

      Thanks M. It never takes me but a moment of comparison with others far less fortunate than me to regain my balance and re-coordinate my attitude. I’m hoping that tact continues during this round 🙂
      And you’re right, you can never go wrong with butterflies!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. October 30, 2014 at 11:39 PM

    I hope all is working itself out… I love your first paragraph, have felt the same many times, and your words really were strangely uplifting too (as you will make it through). The butterfly photo is that optimism that makes me believe in the good days ahead 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • November 2, 2014 at 10:34 AM

      Thank you Dalo 🙂 I believe in the balance and necessity of hard times to allow one to appreciate the good. Life without contrast, like a good photo, would be a flat and dull thing. Underneath it all, I am a passionate optimist. I usually end up on my feet in some manner and not always with grace, lol. I appreciate the encouragement!

      Liked by 1 person

      • November 3, 2014 at 10:12 PM

        I like that ~ without contrast, life would be flat & dull. So true. Wish you a great week 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • November 7, 2014 at 7:34 PM

          Thank you 🙂 I need to get by your site and see what wonders you’ve been out and about capturing lately. Work has me slammed so my reading has gotten short shrift (and posting too!) Hope your week turned out well also.

          Like

          • November 9, 2014 at 10:13 PM

            🙂 barely recovered from last week, and now just starting it all over again 🙂

            Like

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