Can you ever go home again?

Arizona sky

The days are rushing by as I prepare for a visit to the sticks and bricks, anticipate travel from there to a wedding in Florida, and sleeping in a house for the first time in almost two years. I’m… apprehensive.

When your house and all of your comfy stuff goes everywhere with you as a lifestyle, being separated from it begins to cause anxiety. What will I forget to bring, considering the limited cargo I can transport? Will my wood stove be functional? Is the woodpile wet or dry? Will there be snow on the way? Will my little Honda run, or will it be fussy, having been neglected all of this time? I confess, I’m a bundle of nerves. Sniffly. Making lists. Pondering familial dynamics that await my arrival. Joy for my beautiful daughter bride. Concern over COVID exposure en route. And a bazillion other things.

I am generally a calm and logic led person in most arenas. Good person to have handy in a crisis. A planner. Right now, though, those things feel absent within me, like they took a vacation without leaving an itinerary in case I need to reach out. Oh, I’ve made the lists. I’m in close contact with family regarding the wedding. The neighbors are chatty and welcoming at my return. I have the travel route mapped and a friend to make the journey with. So where this dread in the pit of my stomach is coming from, I just don’t know. I didn’t feel it when I hit the road. Why now, with just a thirty days jaunt on the east coast in the planner?

Yuma was warm and wonderful. I went to prison.

Prison tour

I miss it this week, which has been rainy and windy. KOFA was just beautiful and interesting. I saw a Mexican grey wolf at dusk there.

Full moon in KOFA over red hills

I went to the center of the world and the end of the world in one day’s visit into California.

End

Center

Mexico was busy, fascinating and guilt inducing when I ran out of money for the vendors in the waiting line to cross the border back into the US. The food and music were great, particularly in the little bakery down a side street. January has been a busy and emotional month, full of joy, inquiry, art, beauty and being a tourist. I didn’t want to go back to work, though, after twelve days off!

Piñata and sweets store

Winter in the desert will be nearing its end when I return from my trip east. Planning is already in skeletal form for the migration northward in my brain, as I attempt to stay ahead of the high temps and balance cool nights with temperate days, carving out places to visit that are new, or were passed by in haste last year. Elevation, a struggle last year in the van, will be key in keeping comfortable. I definitely know I do not want to be in Utah at sea level during August again, haha! Pondering Colorado, which I missed last year due to early van death, returning to Idaho to my two favorite places there, skipping up to Montana to visit a permaculture farm, and a pull in at Elko where I am now a resident. There are many national parks that I missed actually entering into that might be open this year, who knows?

So many questions in my mind these days, and I am thankful for my introduction to meditation. It serves to calm my mind, center my heart on those that I love, and try to trust. I face unknowns with family, and leave unknowns behind me – but I am right here, right now, 2/3rds to my sticks and bricks. Green grass and swift rivers pass on a flash. Snow in NC may be on the ground when I arrive. But that will be that moment, not this one Time for that when it appears.

~SE riding shotgun on the road East..