What a stunningly beautiful day it is today! Breezy, warm but not too much so; bright and cheerful with bird sounds, bees buzzing and lizard activity – a wonderful day to be alive. I love days like this, when everything inside of you feels attuned to goodness and warmth and the sun gilds your skin with its touch.
The new grandbaby should be arriving very soon, if my conversation with my daughter last night was any proof. Her body is easing itself towards birth and the fear that a second-time mom feels is making its presence known to her. It is rare for me to speak deeply with her; we don’t have that kind of relationship. Sometimes we have no outward signs of a relationship at all. Long times can go by before we speak or interact. It is her way and I try not to crowd her, knowing that when she wants me in her life, she will reach out to me in her own time. So very different, relationships with your children can be. All of my girls carry some of my traits obviously, via nature or nurture I do not know which. I can always find something in them to relate to, despite their startlingly different personalities. I wonder sometimes, how my body produced such interestingly distinct new people, that unique combination of genetic material that their father and I each contributed. I love them all dearly, just with some I get to participate in their lives more closely than others. That’s okay too, as everyone needs a different amount of space to feel right. I need a lot of space, so it is to be expected that at least one of my children would be like me in that respect. I have been gone from proximity to them for many years and it is new again for us, to be physically close once more. The love of my children warms me also, deep into my bones and pushes love back out from my pores to be released again into the world.
I’ve been introspective yet again (aren’t I always though, really?) examining this person that I am, pruning off bits I don’t care for, watering and fertilizing those parts of me that are a little stunted and need nurturing. Why can we not be this self-aware when young? We would have so much more to give to others if we knew ourselves better, earlier. With this in mind, can relationships later in life be even better than the ones that came prior? Or are they simply different, neither better nor worse? I know now what I like and what I don’t like. Yet, I am still learning new things about what is important to me, the things that make me feel validated. I am very much liking this stage of my life, despite the current state of solitude that I am in. But there is more to learn, since I am still above ground. I embrace it, this emerging sense of me. Some days I do feel a bit like a newly arrived butterfly – caught in that stage of wet wings, when I must sit still and let the air harden the new pieces of me, then fluttering them to increase the surface air flow, before flying off and depending on the functionality of these new appendages. And I still may get a bite taken out of them by a predator. But most butterflies continue to function even when missing huge chunks of their wings. Car grilles and praying mantises aside, being sniped at simply doesn’t always kill them or hinder them from continuing on their journey. I think I too, am like that. Maybe that’s why butterflies have always proven to give me so much pleasure by their simple existence.
Things I feel gratitude for today:
- Learning a new person
- Good friends who validate and strengthen you
- A beautiful, temporary place to live
- Healthy children
- Sabbath – permission to just be for one day a week
- The natural world in all of its beauty
Quote for today, on the topic of romance…
“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?”
Greg Behrendt from “He’s Just Not That Into You”
I have believed; now to find out if this is a truth or just a line in another book that sounds really cool but has no veracity to hold it up.
And to my best friends, here’s something for you – those who have held me up, supported me, challenged me and loved me just as I am while pushing me to be the best me that I can be – Thank You!
Be well. Smile more. Breathe deeply. Give of yourself and see what comes back to you.