After fulfilling my ‘waiting’ period of the summer (for nought I might add), I’m just full of frustrations in arenas I didn’t even know that I had. So this will be a bit of an angsty post, and probably not as optimistic as usual, because well, I don’t feel very optimistic at the moment (maybe that is due to writing as Busted Flush) instead of my normal persona.
It has taken me quite a while to feel that I was ready to date; to bring a clean and uncluttered heart to the table after widowhood. Many people, men and women, don’t seem to be quite there yet. After a very brief stint on a couple of dating sites I had decided I really wasn’t ready to date after all and was just quite content being alone. Then, when I wasn’t looking, someone showed up in my life unexpectedly.
Finding someone that I like as a person is difficult for me. My friendships are fairly limited, as I try to give them time and energy equivalent to their value. I don’t have a lot of ‘extra’ time. Finding someone I’m interested in knowing past the friendship stage? This is an even rarer event. My interests are not normal, urban interests really. I prefer the rural lifestyle and doing things in a fashion that reflects a move towards self-sufficiency and close partnership, even though that’s not my current place in the world; but it is a place that I will return to once again, alone or partnered. So when I met someone that had all of those same goals, plus was someone that I genuinely liked – intelligent, articulate, funny – I was beyond thrilled. I began to have hope, something really left behind when my husband died. And then after several months it just…died. I didn’t even get a reason when I asked in a non-accusatory manner. Just, more silence. I don’t understand. Did I hurt his feelings and therefore owe an apology that I don’t even know about? Did he meet someone closer to home (valid reason, easy to explain)? Did I fail some mythical ‘test’ that I didn’t even know existed? Did he just decide the distance was too great to overcome at this stage in our lives? And I could go on, and on, and on…
No communication = no resolution; no ability to learn, no understanding whatsoever. I could just label him a jerk, but I don’t think that is fair. But a vacuum is desirous to be filled with something, and my imagination is like a runaway train. No closure also makes it difficult to overcome the pain and embarrassment and begin to heal so that I can move forward again eventually. Now I’m just, afraid. I am afraid to get close just to get hurt again. I am afraid to open up and then be rejected again. I have watched some acquaintances say over and over that they are done; they just want to remain single. I didn’t understand that before. Now, after this one small foray into that arena, I think I get it. It is safer to stay alone than to open up again and again, only to have nothing but a handful of broken dreams left. I really don’t know if I have thick enough skin to do this again, at least not in the near future. So yeah, in the way back machine of blogging a few months ago, I pointed out that going all in might end me up with a busted flush – and that is where I am from all appearances.
I don’t have a lot of experience in the dating world, as I was partnered from 1982-2009, when my second husband died. I’m not a very social person, so outside of work (not dating there!) my interests are limited as far as social opportunities go. I have female friends that have the occasional party, or we’ll hit the Theater for a play, or perhaps a birthday party outing with a group. Outside of that? Not much. And really, that’s okay. I enjoy being at home, reading, puttering, watching a movie. But for dating potential? It’s rather laughable really. And maybe for now, that is just fine. My butterfly wings have their first chunks taken out, and my flight pattern is erratic and it will take some time to adjust for safety and smoother sailing.
I’m heading to see Arsenic and Old Lace this weekend, and then taking a day off on Monday to go to Epcot Food & Wine Festival with a friend and her children. I’ve not been to anything Disney related in nearly twenty years. This past weekend I spent celebrating my second grandson’s second birthday. Oy vey. Now I know why we have children when we are young and full of piss and vinegar! I was tired after that short exposure to scads of children. The only thing I seem to be having a successful crop of lately is grandsons! I have another one due in January. Little boys are new ground for me, having had only daughters. They are fun, rambunctious and loving. They keep me busy and dirty when they are around (smile).
I’m having difficulty determining how to move forward on a single-living homesteading plan while keeping my heart and mind open to a potential partnership. While I’m currently just in debt pay-off mode and keep-an-eye-on-properties mode, it is hard for me to get enthused about making a plan for just me, knowing that it could get derailed by another head-turning whiplash event. It’s like trying to ride a fence; damned uncomfortable, frustrating and rather precarious.
But these dreams are comforting, consistent and familiar. They hold me together during the long commutes, the ridiculously small living quarters, the pain of leaving my tiny farm behind, of walking away from everything I really ever owned, and , the pain of being alone.
I came across a song recently (linked below) that I had never heard before. It feels apt right now. I was rarely lonely before I had hope. Now, that has changed.
Christina Perri “The Lonely”
I also found a poem by Warsan Shire that I really like:
“for women who are ‘difficult’ to love.”
you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.
But isn’t everyone strange, and beautiful and terrifying in a way – simply because they are different than we are.
So for tonight, Busted Flush signing off…