Wise words of the day:
Image lifted from: http://girlyme.tumblr.com/post/92870248438/filson-wise-words via Pinterest.
In case the deafening silence did not clue you in, the months leading up to surgery were quite a struggle for me, and I wrestled with depression, the reality of being alone and often invisible, the roles I fill in the family circle and a bunch of other soul-searching type of activities. And, although to most I didn’t express it, I was scared shitless. I mean, we get in the car every day and could die from a car accident or something, but that fear is minimized. Anesthesia, opening up one’s head – serious stuffs. My emotional energy levels plummeted, and I flailed about trying to maintain friendships and be present to give back a little bit for friends and family.
Phone calls lately have ranged through the following: “Mom, we’re getting a divorce.” “Mom, I don’t think I can continue to care for him and I’m considering adoption.” “Mom, I have to have another treatment and if this doesn’t work it will mean surgery and I’ll probably lose my job.” “I need to talk to you, call me on my cell, the Doctor had bad news for me and I don’t want to discuss it in the house yet.” “I think we’ll move out of state, which means you’ll have primary care of Mom if anything happens.” Add to that my best friend’s near burn out with her job, another close friend being put on statins and I am just like daayum, could I have some GOOD news in a call once in a while? How does one support all of those people and still have anything left for oneself? It would be slightly humorous if I were the only one going through stuff like this, but it is darn near everyone I know – immense pressures via job, finances or health or sometimes the trifecta of all.
So what did I do Saturday ? Loaded up the music carousel and danced myself silly after making some curried dandelion greens with onions and fresh chicken. I was a crazed sight I am sure, as there were about ten ingredients, most of which had to be chopped, shredded, grated or such.
But hey, I did it! I survived tumor removal from my head without coming out on the other side drooling (well, not drooling a lot). The deformity spoken of prior to surgery is there, but it is well hidden by the new style of my hair, which I grew in anticipation of trying to hide incisions and oddities. I suspect over time that it will fade into obscurity. They detached my ear from my head, which is, well, kind of bizarre. It still doesn’t look right, but again, under the hair so really only I know about it. The nerve severance is beginning to heal, which means, pain = healing! Most of my face on the surgical side though, remains completely numb. Kind of like coming home from the dentist, but every single moment of every day.
The surgery went five hours, but man, did that surgeon have good hands! He left me with no purple to pale green to yellow bruising to go through, which is in fact, amazing. Actually, from the front you couldn’t tell I’d had major surgery even a day afterwards. My physical energy was low and I slept – a lot. Thanks to Vitamin C mega-doses and liposomal glutathione, the cut-work seemed to be healing very very well. Must however, chat with the anesthesia team as that went horribly wrong afterwards and gave me a terrible scare.
Then, I get notified that they’ve found something in my lung they want to take a closer look at when they were reviewing my routine pre-surgical chest x-ray. The irony of that is that I quit smoking earlier this year, after 36 years of it. Being a pragmatist, I thought, “Well, that many years, what can I expect?” I had good hopes though that it was simply another pulmonary granuloma – a calcified healing spot of a previous infection. So soon after surgery, I didn’t wish to burden the body with the radiation of a CT, so I put it out for a month to allow me to heal and build up a bit afterwards. In I go for the CT and have a bit of waiting for those results too. My primary did not think it is terribly worrisome and wishes to revisit that in a year to make sure. However, while viewing my insides, they discover I have a liver problem. By this time, I am ready for them to stop peering inside of me for goodness sake! I feel fine, dammit!
Ten or twenty years ago, having problems with my liver would have been expected. I was a rowdy thing as a young’un and that continued on and off through my thirties up to about forty. Drinking and dancing, drinking and playing darts, drinking and watching hubby play pool – that was part and parcel of our lifestyle back then. I shuffled through my labs from back then and sure enough, the liver and a lot of my body was hollering – then. Now? I have the triglycerides of a healthy twenty-year old! No elevated liver enzymes. HDL/LDL ratios good and numbers well below suggested levels. So I am stymied at the liver thing because nothing is showing up to indicate “Hey, this is your liver, and we need to chat.” This week I saw my GP for a 2nd opinion after explaining the film review and so went through more fasting and more blood-letting and of course, now more waiting. Although it is hard to argue with a picture, at least we can check to see if something went wonky between my last physical and now.
One incredibly positive thing is that I can participate in the outcome of this diagnosis! It also requires no toxic medicines to treat. And it doesn’t put a dent in my plan to hike the AT or to run away and live in the woods (well, okay, maybe adds some time to the timeline, dang it!)
Added to this simmering pot of anxiety stew is a leetle black tie event coming up in January at the new company. Posh stuff, with open bar and hotel rooms and the lot. It has been decades since I’ve attended such. I must admit though, that the shopping and trying on of gauzy, glittery, beaded and shiny girly stuff was fun, including silver shoe shopping! Too bad it’s a company function, as I could do with a night of letting my hair down; however, I don’t think the new corporate arena would be a stellar choice to do that, hah!
I’ve written in my journals, mostly introspective stuff- very little creative juice running around right now. I’ve shot a few photos, one 0r tw0 worth uploading later this week. All in all? I’m burned out. I’m hoping a little R&R in the PNW at a friend’s farm will help me regroup and start the new year off with a change in perspective -or at least some snow!
Yes, I am back and have some written observations to share that were jotted (does saving a text note count as ‘jotting’?) while in the hospital, including the hilarities of anesthetized chat with hospital personnel 🙂 Until then – Just Dance! (fun video of dancers from around the world)